Lately I have not been able to accept that I look the way I look, and that who I am, is, who I am. I, for the best part of my life, have been utterly convinced that I am not good enough for anyone, let alone myself. I have believed that the world is somehow happier that I am below it, uglier than it, less exciting and adventurous than it, less up for a laugh.. that I am WORTH laughing at.. that I am a good person to make feel miserable.. I have been convinced that EVERYTHING that I do and say and feel, is worth feeling guilty over.
I am less of a person in the world. I am not worth what the world has to offer.. because.. I simply dont deserve it..
Lately I have been looking at photos of my friends.. well, 'the people who love me because they have to and/or feel like they have to like me because they feel sorry for me..' (please don't be offended, this is just what I think , I know this may not be the case, but my brain tells me otherwise). I look at their pictures and I think.. 'its so unfair that I don't look like them..'... everyone but me seems to look like.. they don't look like me, they have lovely smiles, great ideas and interests, beautiful hair and eyes, something that makes them stand out as in individual.. and then theres me.. I'm nothing, there is no..me. I'm just a body . A person who isn't really meant to be there. Just another profile on Facebook make-believing that I am just as happy as the rest of them..(perhaps this could also be the case for the people I am looking at.. but who am I to know..)
I hate that I cannot trade in my face and personality for a new one....
I have struggled with my body image and food for so many years now that I cannot be anything other than a self obsessed freak.. I cannot accept myself. Why cant I? Why is hating myself the easiest thing in the world to do?... Why is loving myself so fucking hard..near impossible?....
For the last two weeks I have been crying almost every day.. because simply, I am not someone else.. I am not ... who I think everyone else thinks I should be..
and who is that exactly... who is it I am trying to be..
..more popular..?
..prettier?
.. louder?
..thinner?
..smarter?
..spontaneous?
..smarter?
...... more... alive?
When will I see what others see in me.. When will my inner bully take off these evil tinted glasses and help me understand what it is that keeps people interested in who I am..?
It honestly fucking dumbfounds me.. I just dont understand.
Does personal acceptance just happen..? Does it take an accident, or incident, or a big talking ball of light and glory to tell you that now its time to accept yourself and you can finally be free of that inner restraint that holds the real you back from shining through..?
Im going to have to continue this in a little while.. back soon...xxx
and im back.
So where was I...
right.
Earlier on, after I had written the first paragraph, I was handed a photo of Luke as a boy. Big glasses, big hair, skinny arms.. the kinda kid I would have probably (and shamefully) giggled at, as he looked like a prefect, blazer and all... Then I looked at Luke, now, and I came over all emotional and started crying.. He asked me why I was crying, and I said it was because I couldn't believe I was looking at the same guy that's in that photo. That kid was bullied, and taunted, and picked on. He didn't like anything about himself, and even hated his school so much that he left, and swore he would never wear a uniform again.. Now I was looking at a guy who is loved, popular, very cool, and so self assured it makes me jealous.. He is filled with self respect and self love, and it makes him shine out of every pore in his body. I've never met anyone like him.. yet how did someone like him, change from the boy he was then...
Luke said to me.. 'change is possible'... 'see.. *makes me look at his school photo* '.. and he said it with a beaming smile on his face. Luke loves himself, not in the way an egotistical arsehole does, but the way someone should love and respect who they are, as an individual.
And it makes me wonder how and when I will be able to look at myself as someone who I should be learning to love, rather than hate and condemn to a day of misery and self hatred because i maybe had stupid hair in the morning.. Maybe its more of an effort sort of thing, like, I need to put more time into the things that I like and love, and enjoy it.. but then I still cant figure why that should make me happy.. because I'm still not someone else.. I want to learn how..
Some things take time, and others are just a matter of 'I want this sort of life now, so I'm going to have it' sort of moments....
can anyone suggest anything.. as to how to learn to .. love, yourself. To like what you see...?
because I really really want to know how..
I want to love myself, because .. I don't want to live hating myself.. I really am not a bad person, and I know that.. but why wont my head let me see what my heart badly needs to...
have you succeeded in this endeavour..?...
If you have.. then, I wish you all the luck and happiness that every smile you beam can bring you..
If you havnt.. we can work on this together .. there has to be a way out of the damned circle of hate..
can we do this..?
Can you?
Can I....?
xxx
(photo by the amazing photographer Asya Schween...)
