The Past..

....''Look not at the days gone by with a forlorn heart.  They were simply the dots we can now connect with our present, to help us draw the outline of a beautiful tomorrow... '' ~Dodinsky

Listening to an old album at the moment, and it was the first album to connect me to the past, when now - in the future - I listen to it.

I am starting to look back with smile, at the people I once smiled and laughed with. The people I held, who held me, and who made those years, so utterly memorable... its funny that now, those memories have a theme tune, and its beautiful. ..

Yes, I admit, part of me still feels a little .. sad, about it all.. because those people are not part of my life in any way anymore.. and I sometimes wish I could just relive those moments , with this music playing, and laugh and scream and really be in that moment - those moments - again.

I understand that the path I chose for myself meant that I knowingly was leaving it all behind.. and at the time, I was full of regret. But knowing what I know now, and what I have felt, and seen, and experienced, has me feeling a real strong sense of ..my own control. 

And I often find that scary.. its like for the first time and not necessarily in a complete way, I am feeling what it is like to be in control of my own surroundings..

I sometimes look back and think I could have tried to keep it all together.. but when two different worlds are pulling away from eachother.. which do you choose?..

I miss the fantasy of the memories. I think that's what pulls me back. I am always searching for those perfect moments again.. but I wish that, and I know it is possible, to feel that I could just leave the past be the past, and leave it behind me forever.. 

Right now, I'm living in a new world, and experiencing a new life with new people and forming new memories that I love, and I know that I will look back in another 10 years, and find a song, and sit here listening to it, remember the time of now, and the people and memories who made it...

Something made me smile just then..the thought that I'll be looking back at this time, and the nights and days full of fun and screams and laughter that like I had 10 years ago, will all be part of a past that I wish I could experience just once more and relive the moment all over again... But I cant.. so i need to learn to start being in the moment, knowing it wont ever be this moment ever again... not in a sad way, but so i can look back without the regret, and feel what I did back then, because in the future , the memory is going to be the only thing to take me back there... 

Still on this album, and I feel 16 again.. my long hair, baggy jeans, hoodies and eyeliner.. its a wonderful feeling.. I dont want to feel sad about it - so how could I make sure I dont get sad.. I know, im going to look through the photos of the people i know now, and the people I love.. i may even make a video.. yea, that sounds like a good idea :)

ok, feeling good, so while im here, im gonna end on this positive vibe, change the music to something that reminds me of the now, and the people im with now, that I love.. 

''Bring the past only if you are going to build from it. '' ~Doménico Cieri Estrada