Waiting and waiting and waiting. For what. A friend? a phone call? how about the right quote, the right night out, the perfect day, a good nights sleep, a prophetic dream. A voice in your ear, a gesture, the perfect offer, the right suggestion. The moment of clarity. The light at the end of the tunnel. What if it takes death to change this monotomy of waiting for the train to arrive, the one that will carry you away to the perfect destination on your mind map?
You know that when it arrives, you will feel immense relief. You will not have to carry the heavy luggage of your life upon your back anymore , you can leave it at the station, and like a war movie lover, wave your hankerchief out of the window, and that goodbye tear will fall. The steam will cloud the station into a sepia haze, and your broken and torn luggage will dissapear forever, and you will move forward with the credits rolling on a life finally saved.
However, what if like myself, you miss this train. you couldnt walk fast enough with the luggage on your back, your lift to the station let you down, you had to walk from home, you couldnt find the pieces you really wanted and the only things you could pack were last nights underwear and a shirt that smells bad. You forgot your deoderant, and you have to grab the nearest pair of odd socks because lets face it, when was the last time you remember pulling out two brother socks from the washing machine? Your heels are broken from last nights drunkery so last summers dodgy flip flops have to get a look in and even then you cant walk in them properly because you stretched the straps on them while dancing like a loon to a song at a festival that you cant even remember hearing.
What if you realise, there is just not enough time to catch that train. The other passengers who were lucky to catch it through sheer blind luck and timing being on thier side, can now move on to that next stage of thier lives with ease, and never need to look back. They do not need to wave that hankerchief, they dont care about sepia tones and war movie sketches.. they can leave that all behind now. And good for them. Well done. Clap.. Clap.. Fucking.. Clap.
Now for you, its quiet. You are sat there, surrounded by clothes you hate, that dont fit, and dont go with anything. Youve run out of sun tan lotion, and its 50 degrees outside. Your camera has no battery, and your memory card is missing. And worst of all, you are on your own.
The time comes and you realise, that perhaps, you were never meant to be on that train.
You wont be carried away into a sunset screen with clarity and freedom dancing around your mind.
You are sat, alone, in the dark, and minute after minute passes by, and thus, once more, begin to wait again.
why do you keep on waiting...?
You are waiting for your moment of clarity. The moment everything will change for you. The moment that bright light will shine down upon your face, and you and everything around you will make sense and become perfect. Finally.. it will be perfect.
Life will become like a newly polished window, you can finally see clearly. All your past fears and phobias will vanish, and everything that you ever doubted about your life and everything in it will diminish. Then, and only then, can you finally begin to live. You will be reborn, and life will take on a new meaning.
You will want to live.
You will want to live, and love, and cherish, and celebrate, and dance, and feel, and sing, and move and scream and throw yourself onto the giant fresh clean duvet of life.
...
Now sat amongst the stench of your unwashed clothes, last nights unwashed plates that were used for takeaway curry, and the slight odour of cat litter wafting its way up into your nostrils, you move your staring gaze to your reflection, in the mirror that now seems so perfectly placed in this less than perfect moment in time.
What if your moment never comes. What if you simply have to move on, and change, from this moment here. There is no light, no chorus of angels, no credits rolling, and no one stretching out a hand to pull you onto that life train.
You have to now stand up, pick up your laundry, and clean it. You have to wash those plates, and make them white again. You have to clean that cat litter, and watch as you are blessed that your furry friend did not choose your laundry pile to deposit his small gifts. So your socks may never be matching. I think the rest of the world can relate to this. Your life is contained in every moment that you make. Every decision that you decide. And every thought that you think.
You have the power of being your own machine. And you can tweek and turn those cogs in you to help you tick and tock in every way that you like. Perhaps, you have become rusty. You have forgotten to oil the most vital parts of you, and its not wonder bits of you have been trodden into the carpet like a crushed biscuit.
Oil the parts of you that you want to work. You have the manual to your life. You know what you love and like. You know which cogs you want to get rid of, all it takes is a little prying and pulling, and eventually, it will come lose. You can hold it in your hands, and gaze down at this tiny piece of you that kept you from moving freely, and then when you decide to throw it away, you can replace it with a brand new cog, one that feels right, and helps you move like never before.
You are your own Engineer, and pehaps that time has come to build and create yourself, in the ways that you want to be built and cared for. Maybe once you finally tweek those cogs and oil up the rusted parts of you that you used to love, you can begin to create your own train, the one that will carry you to your place of happiness, with a destination YOU choose, and it will be perfect for you in every way.
It will be perfect, because it was created by you, from your body, your machine.
And with care, attention, respect and love, it will never break down on you, and never will it run out of fuel.
Your train will be yours, and only yours. It will carry you to every destination that you desire, and lead you to that place that you want to be.
The tools are inside you, and you can decide to begin to build at any moment you like.
If you are reading this, and have managed to understand what the hell im saying, then perhaps the time has come for you to start on your machine.
Im going to leave this for now, but I hope that you can begin to build yourself a new life, i hope that the journey will keep you safe. Just remember to enjoy the ride.
PrettyCog.
xxx
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